Out to Pasture – A Birthday Pilgrimage: Restoring Purpose & Peace in the Journey of Faith
Hello Sunshine!
Listen. You just don’t know how good it feels to be able to say that again. “Hello Sunshine!”
How has 2024 been treating you so far? Can you believe your girl turned 50!? Whew! I still don’t know how I feel. But one thing I know for sure…I’m grateful I’m here, alive, and healthy.
Navigating Transformation at 50
Reflections on Gratitude, Growth, and God’s Guidance
Never really envisioned my life at this stage. Dreams of being forever young, I guess. I’m assuming that’s why God had to take me through a transformation. I can hardly begin to explain what the past 3-4 months have been for me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I can hear some say, “But Dawn, you just published a 21-day devotion.”
Yep. And you know what?! God made me eat every one of those words . . . LITERALLY.
Sis! Your girl has been on a pilgrimage. And for every line of New Day of G.R.A.C.E., God made me walk it out. Though so many women have shared with me how New Day of G.R.A.C.E. has impacted their lives. It’s like God had me write it to myself; because, for the first 21 days of January, God used it to purge me.
Out to Pasture
You may not have noticed (you probably did), but I’ve been off the radar for a few months now. Out of circulation. Out for maintenance.
If I’m being honest . . . For one moment, I thought I might be out to pasture. Are you familiar with the phrase – “Out to pasture”?!
“Out to pasture” is a term coined to describe when a racehorse was no longer good enough, strong enough, or fast enough to run with the young Philly’s. Rather than continuing to train and race, owners and trainers would put the horses out in a large pasture to roam and graze until they eventually died. (Now this is where you hear the rewind sound or the scratch in the record)
The devil is a liar! Ain’t nothing that broke down around here.
Green Pastures
Today, I’m appreciative that the only pasture I’ve been in is the pasture God promised and that I so desperately needed.
Psalm 23:2-3 says, ”He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.“
But if you’re familiar with this scripture, you know that there is also a valley that comes. And BOY did it test me. I know I wrote before and said “The Valley Has Lights,” but this time. . . I could hardly see my hand in front of my face. I could not see which way to turn. I couldn’t see in front of me, behind me, and nothing to my sides. I was surrounded, consumed, and convinced I might perish this time . . . in this place.
Journeying Through the Valley:
But what made this time so different? Nothing new was happening . . . but rather . . . the effect of TRIGGERS.
Triggers are associated with anything that creates an emotional response of extreme sadness, fear, or anger due to a present encounter or memory of something from the past that was traumatic or unresolved. Triggers often affect a person’s thought patterns or behaviors, And, according to healthline.com, triggers affect an individual’s ability to remain present in the moment. Flight or flight responses may also appear.
If you had seen me the latter part of December 2023 and the beginning of 2024, you would have assumed I was a billboard for the definition of trigger.
Overcoming Triggers and Championing Healing
And though in this state I thought God was putting me out to pasture; fortunately, my trip to the pasture wasn’t to retire me or to kill me. On the contrary, it was so I could rest, be restored, strengthened, and hope again. But let me tell you . . . There for a minute . . . Satan had your girl shook. My hope, my joy, my peace were all depleted. I didn’t know if I could go on. I didn’t know if I wanted to go on.
“What are you saying, Dawn?”
What did you hear?
[the person who asked the question remains silent out of shock, disbelief, and empathy]
Yep. It was bad. Dark.
No clear vision. No hope. Ready to let it all go. And by ALL . . . I mean everything.
What?! You thought I was beyond being tested with debilitating grief and depression. I wish my answer could be yes, but I choose not to lie.
Embracing Therapy and Self-Care
Just when I was on the brink of something that could have been devastating (not sure what it was), I had an urge to tell my husband what my thoughts were. And though so many times in our past, my husband has failed to have direct communication with me when it comes to my emotions . . . This time . . . HE HEARD ME. Not only did Leon hear me, but he listened, and he took action. For the first time in 20 years, my husband came home and said,
“You know . . . I learned about this place that offers counseling. It seems to be very reputable. You think you would want to go? I’ll check into it if you want me to.”
Listen. Leon Joseph Green, Jr. is a baby boomer. He has NEVER mentioned counseling. Now he wants to make the appointment, go with me, and assist me however needed.? Yeah. Your girl musta been pretty bad off.
This man was worried about his wife. And I’m glad. Not for the sake of getting his attention, but for the sake of having a partner who was able to detect my battle cry and not abandon me on the battlefield.
The details of what happened next I’ll share later. But just know that TODAY I write the first blog of 2024 more aligned with myself, my needs, and most importantly with my God. I am also more attuned with my personal emotional needs, and the boundaries I must enforce to keep me in a safer space. But, what I think is necessary to share is that in 2024 I am in therapy, so I don’t just have someone to talk to about the occasional triggers that visit uninvited, but I have a professional who talks back to me in a way that gives me new coping tools for my evolvement.
The Importance of Seeking Professional Support and Setting Boundaries
Sis, I turned 50 years old on January 8th, and though this age for some could seem like the ticket to the pasture for the overrun racehorse [carrying the weight of others on its back, being slapped to run and compete with others despite how its inner being may be struggling, hearing the cheers and the hollers of onlookers who assume based on genetic makeup and prior victories that the race is easy] . . . In retrospect, this pasturing . . . is the beginning of a new level of peace and maturity that is not only expected . . . but required.
I’m encouraged by 2 Corinthian 4: 16-17 which says,
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So, now, when I say hello sunshine . . . I’m not only speaking to those reading this, but I’m also LITERALLY speaking to the physical sun and the spiritual Son; who both seemed to be so distant from me for a season. Equally, I’m also speaking to myself.
HELLO SUNSHINE!
You made it!
Your pasture experience wasn’t meant to be your end!
You’re still here . . . which means . . .
You still have PURPOSE.
But understand, Dawn (and any Sister/Friend reading this) . . . Your purpose is not only to serve others but to yourself too. And when your heart is right and you have pure motives, that’s not selfish, but rather . . . SELF-PRESERVATION [the natural ability and inclination given to us by God to protect ourselves from harm]. You gotta do this for YOU. It’s not an option.
Strive to be Better than F.I.N.E.
Kerry Washington shared in her book “Thicker Than Water” that her automatic response when someone would ask her how she was doing was, “I’m fine.” However, her therapist enlightened her that “I’m fine” to people with stress, responsibilities, and unresolved issues can also mean, I’m…
- F’ed up
- Insecure
- Neurotic (anxious and negative thoughts patterns, feelings of self-doubt) and
- Emotional
Y’all, I’ve been “F.I.N.E.” going on 5 years now. Operating well. Reinventing myself. Allowing myself to grow, venture, and do hard things. But under the surface, I was still only “F.I.N.E.” My triggers still came to visit me and occasionally brought old friends whose names I had forgotten but inadvertently, I still remembered their faces and how they made me feel.
But I go back to 2 Corinthians 4, and verse 18 which says,
18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
Greener Pastures Ahead
Yes, though in this life I have troubles as I continue to grow older each day, I embark on my new milestone of being 50 and what lies ahead, and I set my gaze on the pleasures of life that await. BUT WHILE I WAIT, SIS! . . . I’m gonna continue to do the work that allows me to show up (and even rest) in being my best and most authentic self. I hope you choose to do the same. Know that I still love you and I mean it. ~Dawn
P.S. Thank you to the family and friends who not only gave me the space to go through this season, but who also prayed for me and helped me find the resources I needed to get to be a better me. You know who you are. Love you!
Thank You
Thank you for hearing my words and journeying through my recent wilderness experience. Please share with me, have you ever had a wilderness encounter that made you feel separated from others and isolated from God? How did you handle coming back to a healthy place?
If you are experiencing feelings of extreme sadness, fear, or anger caused by triggers, please find someone to talk to who can help you either resolve these issues or give you coping tools to help you manage them better.
Happy Women’s History Month. This month we celebrate not only all the accomplishments and advancements of women, but the beauty of what everyday women bring to those around them. So, here’s a salute to you. THANK YOU!
Coming to Dawn of a New Day 365
March 1, 2024, marks the RE-LAUNCH of the Dawn of a New Day 365 website. I AM IN LOVE. Please, take a look around and tell me what you think. If you’re not already subscribed, what are you waiting for? Join the DND365 community and receive inspiration, empowerment, and resources that speak to the needs of the Christian woman’s experience through the good, bad, ugly, and unexpected.
This year for March, we will again feature women from the DND365 platform who are not only doing amazing things in their daily lives but have overcome challenges that make them extraordinary examples of resilience and fortitude. However, because this year is my 50th Birthday, I want to go BIG. So, I’m launching my first-ever magazine – the Exclusive Edition of Crown of Grace. You’ll want to get your copy when it drops. More details to follow, but know that this edition will include the new 2024 features as well as those from past years. Readers can also expect specialty articles and other resources. Subscribe to the website and join the facebook group to make sure you don’t miss a thing.
